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The Bus Tour
by John Kiley
A bus-load of passengers await
the start of their sightseeing tour, with the bus depot itself the only
attraction.
Scene: Interior of tour bus
Characters:
Bus Driver
1st passenger
2nd passenger
3rd passenger
4th passenger
Bus driver
Welcome aboard this bus tour through our bus storage depot. On your right you’ll
see part of our large fleet of buses. On your left and in front you’ll see the
rest of it. You’ll have to excuse the congestion. It’s particularly busy at the
moment as the morning rush-hour has just concluded and the vehicles are
returning for storage until the evening. We expect the line of buses to start
moving shortly and can then start taking in the sights. We are bus number
nineteen in the line. Your headphones carry a commentary in five languages. You
should be able to pick out your preferred language amid the jumble. There will
be a fifteen minute stop for lunch. The recommended cafeteria is across the
street and two blocks to the right. Cross carefully and watch for logging
trucks.
When we eventually start moving the first attraction will be the diesel filling
station. This is a novelty to most people as petrol is the more familiar fuel of
propulsion. Diesel is cheaper than petrol, slower, noisier, less refined (I
think), dirtier to start with but gets cleaned up, contains more carbon atoms,
has a higher boiling point and tastes different. You won’t see it of course
because it is hosed through a pump - or pumped through a hose, whichever you
prefer.
While we are waiting to move off you might want to browse through our brochure,
“Sights Worth Seeing and Other Things”.
On this trip you’ll see mostly other things.
In the event of an emergency please follow my instructions if you understand
English. If you don’t please follow someone else. I have been conducting these
tours for more than ten years and emergencies are a rarity although there have
been several near misses and one death from natural causes. If anybody has a
medical condition I should know about please keep it to yourself. Peace of mind
is paramount.
There has been a minor nose to tail further up the line – buses 8 and 9 I’m
told. There are no injuries or serious damage but it will necessitate a slight
delay on top of the existing slight delay elevating the delay status from slight
to moderate.
(Pause)
1st passenger
Are we allowed to ask questions?
Driver
Of course.
1st
passenger
Your advertising says that satisfaction is guaranteed. Does...
Driver
That’s not a question.
1st
passenger
I hadn’t finished. Does that mean we get our money back if we’re not satisfied?
Driver
No.
1st
passenger
Then what does it mean?
Driver
It means you get to come back on another trip and don’t have to pay.
1st
passenger
But if the second trip is exactly the same as the first there won’t be any more
satisfaction so that’s hardly a guarantee.
Driver
You make a valid point but we guarantee our guarantees so any dissatisfied
passenger will keep repeating the trip until satisfaction is achieved. There is
no time limit. We have a reputation to protect.
2nd
passenger
When will the trip finish?
Driver
Impossible to predict. There have already been several delays and more are
likely.
2nd
passenger
Can we leave before the end if we need to?
Driver
Of course. But getting off before we return to the main loading platform is not
recommended. Our drivers don’t watch for pedestrians – only other buses.
3rd
passenger
I have a friend who took this trip last week and nobody has seen her since. This
depot is very large. Is it possible for passengers to get lost or left behind at
any of the photo stops?
Driver
Whenever that’s happened it’s always been the fault of the passenger. Our rules
require everyone to remain within three paces of the bus. It moves off with only
14 seconds notice. We work to tight schedules – and that’s why I’m getting very
anxious over this delay today. I’m radioing through now to check the current
status.
(A voice through the intercom is inaudible due to static)
Driver
Bad news I’m afraid. The bus two ahead of us has a flat tyre so we have to
reverse to the side to allow a service vehicle in. This will be tricky. I’ve
only done it once before and I won’t tell you what happened.
(Nervous silence)
Driver
Made it. This will be another short delay but the other bus will come out of the
queue so that will slightly make up for it.
4th
passenger
I’m sure I’m speaking for others on board when I say that I’m not at all
impressed with what’s happening here. It was advertised as a privileged look
through a hi-tech facility which leads the world in its modernity and is
normally closed to the public for fear of industrial espionage. All I can see
looking around is a sea of buses, a small oasis of diesel pumps and the
occasional tow-truck.
Driver
We have sometimes been accused of over-hyping the experience but remember we
haven’t started yet. Feedback in the past has been positive. One woman wrote to
us saying, among other things, the experience was one she will never forget.
Another said she had to call her doctor to talk about it as soon as she got
home. Several have said they were left speechless.
2nd
passenger
Can you please give us a preview of just what we’ll be seeing. So far all you’ve
mentioned is the diesel pump. The brochure is very vague – pictures of buses and
meaningless phrases such as “a surprise round every corner” and “learn more
about the garish eye-catching bus fleet that gives your city its unique
identity”. While we’re sitting here without moving can you please tell us just
what there is to see in this place that we can’t see from here and exactly
what’s in store?
Driver
(Severely agitated) This is turning into an interrogation. I feel like a prisoner in the dock. (Starts to sob) Can’t you all at least just wait patiently until the tour starts and save your criticism and sarcastic comments until the end like everybody else. Do you have any idea what it’s like to be in my position. I have waited ten years to be promoted to a tour bus route outside the depot where the real action is and I’m still waiting. It’s sent me into uncontrollable waves of depression. My partner’s left me for a fire safety officer and my teenage kids are in therapy. My finances are out of control, I’ve just had yet another pay cut, nobody maintains my bus, my cat has tapeworms, my neighbours play loud music and I can’t sleep – I’m a broken man. I quit. I quit. (Leaves bus crying)
1st
passenger
Anyone hold a heavy rigid vehicle licence?
3rd
passenger
Yes.
1st
passenger
Right. Get us moving.
(3rd passenger reverses bus out of the depot and bus drives off.
Passengers are heard cheering with hands waving out of windows)
4th
Passenger
Taj Mahal, here we come. Eiffel Tower, here we come. Hanging Gardens of Babylon, Great Wall of China, Blue Danube... (fades)